The day fear won!

Friday Fear Won.

I had to make a decision,

a BIG decision.

I would need to decide if I would travel to Uganda with our Pastor and fellow church member

for two weeks this June.

We would work with organizations that provide clean water to villages & also visit the orphanage that you and I have been sending supplies to these past few years.

For a few years now the country of Uganda has 

had a special place in my heart & since then I have felt compelled to help.

So when the opportunity came up that I would have a chance to travel their and visit..

 of course you would think I would jump on it.

For months, in preparation of purchasing the ticket, I was very extremely anxious.

I kept shoving the anxiety and fear down in my heart praying that God would help give me some clarity and peace on the decision.

However, 

the fear & anxiety remained and it got harder and harder to sleep at night!

The anxiety got so bad, I felt short of breath at night.

I would toss and turn and ask Travis to open the window to allow me to breath.

I eventually would calm down and fall asleep only to wake up with the nervousness and stress of the decision I needed to make.

I didn't want to let anyone down..

Not God,

Not my Pastor,

Not my church members,

Not my husband,

Not the organizations we were helping

Not the children who need us

I just wanted to find a way to make this trip work!!

I want the fear to be replaced with excitement.

As the time grew closer to make the decision, 

of me going..

I started to just tell myself that I was just going

&

I needed to be obedient. 

Nightly I was praying that God would make it clear.

I was reading missionary books, listening to Christian speakers, and asking people I trust their thoughts.

BUT..

ultimately it came down to only me & faith.

So, this past Friday,
 when I had to make a decision
wether I would travel to Uganda 

 leaving behind my three sons, daughter, and husband for two weeks to travel to the unknown...

FEAR WON..

Fear of leaving the children.

Fear of the unknown, 

fear of uncertainty, 

fear of getting hurt, 

fear of traveling

fear of terrorism

fear of what I would see

fear of never coming back

Anything one could fear, I feared.

Those of you who know me
may know I struggle with anxiety.

Anxiety is a real problem in my life.

Problem enough that it inhibits my life in many ways.

However,

this time,

Anxiety and Fear won in a way I never would have imagined.

For that, I am sad and broken hearted.

However,

I know that this story is not over.

I know that this dream is not dead.

I know that God will turn this story into something bigger for me.

It may be an important lesson or it may be my biggest regret.

I just pray that the Lord will still use me.

Maybe the Lord can use me here.

Maybe I can help from across oceans.

I do know I will remain home
&
tend to my family.

I have son with Autism that needs his mom
& 

a five year old daughter who needs me holding her hand.

A place has called me at this exact moment at this exact time..that is home.

Fear may have won..

but 

I believe in a Forgiving, Grace Giving God who can turn my brokenness into a new story.

If you too have let fear won,
know that your story is not over.

God can still make something out of our lives.

God can use us.

God can forgive us.

and

God will redeem us!!

Have a blessed Sunday!